100 Types of UCLA Fans
Son: Dad?
Father: Yes, junior.
Son: What’s a Bruin fan?
Father: Somebody who works for the Ringling Brothers.
Son: What does that mean?
Father: It means they are a bunch of clowns
Son: So, they’re bad people, right?
Father: No, not exactly. It just means they are a little foolish
Son: How do you know this?
Father: I’ve met them – all 100 of them
100 Types of UCLA “Fans”
100 – The guy who clamors incessantly about the John Wooden era and the 88 game winning streak like he actually lived through it
99 – The guy who wears baby blue and gold crocs
98 – The guy who leases DeShaun Foster SUVs
97 – The guy who spends more time talking about USC than he does about his own favorite team
96 – The guy who will always tell you that UCLA is a basketball school just 5 minutes after an embarrassing loss in football
95 – The guy who owns a second home in Las Vegas in order to have somewhere to stay during the Bruins’ annual trip to the Las Vegas Bowl 94 – The guy who insists that Sam Gilbert did nothing illegal
93 – The guy who refuses to stand for the national anthem
92 – The guy who believes clapping eight times counts for a battle cry
91 – The guy who has sent death threats to Kevin Craft
90 – The guy who wears a Maurice Jones-Drew Jacksonville Jaguars jersey to a home football game
89 – The guy that yaps about politics and world issues during the middle of a game
88 - The guy who actually has a crush on Mrs. Joe Bruin
87 – The guy who has misspelled UCLA on more than one occasion
86 – The guy who wanders around the Rose Bowl looking to buy a beer before realizing that no Pac-10 school sells alcohol during football games
85 – The guy who thinks it’s still cool to sport a foam finger
84 – The guy who tries to grow a goatee just like Jordan Farmar
83 – The guy who will wear a UCLA basketball jersey to a UCLA football game
82 – The guy who thinks that people actually care about non-revenue NCAA sports
81 – The guy who thinks you care about UCLA’s position in the U.S. News and World Report’s national ranking
80 – The guy who tries to enter the game on his old student ID card
79 – The guy who tries to tell you about UCLA’s academic prestige when the Bruins are trailing by three touchdowns
78 – The guy who constantly refers to the Bruins as we even though he never took classes at UCLA and actually went to Cal Sate LA
77 – The guy who wears a tie-dyed shirt, because well, Bill Walton wore one
76 – The guy who thinks its cool to yell profanities in front of his seven year-old son
75 – The guy who is really a Raider fan, but needs something to do on Saturdays and in the winter
74 – The guy who thinks its okay to be just a UCLA basketball fan and roots for USC football during the fall
73 – The guy who will do the eight-clap every five seconds
72 – The guy who named his kid Troy in 1990 after Troy Aikman only to forget that Troy is home of the Trojans
71 – The guy who buys a Red Sox hat and paints it baby blue and gold
70 – The guy who never misses a home football game against Stanford, because he likes to watch the Bruins win
69 – The guy who throws darts each night at a poster of Pete Carroll
68 – The guy who’s all-time hate list includes Adolf Hiter, Joseph Stalin, and then Karl Dorrell
67 – The guy who thinks being a Republican is far worse than being a USC fan
66 – The guy who will make Sarah Palin jokes in the middle of the 4th quarter
65 – The guy who is constantly checking the BCS standings even though the Bruins are three games under .500
64 – The guy who thinks USC is spelled with a dollar sign
63 – The guy that swears there was no Heisman Trophy winner in 2005 62 – The guy that Tivos the UCLA-Cal State Long Beach basketball game and then Live Blogs it in the morning
61 – The guy who goes crazy when he’s on the jumbo tron
60 – the guy who secretly loves the FUCLA t-shirts and regrets that he hadn’t come up with the idea of FUSC t-shirts beforehand
59 – The guy who makes fun of USC’s location, calling it ghetto, yet lives two blocks past the campus
58 – The guy who thinks 48-44 defensive battles in basketball are really fun to watch
57 – The guy who is in the same office pool as Rick Neuheisel
56 – The guy who spends the entire game complaining how Pete Carroll, Tim Floyd, and all of the USC coaches pay their players
55 – The guy who refers to every UCLA player by his first name like they were high school buddies
54 – The guy who has the eight clap for his ringtone and lets it run until the last second
53 – The guy who bought a Kevin Love jersey and then watched him leave for the pros three months later
52 – The guy who will constantly tell you that 2002 World Series MVP Troy Glaus went to UCLA
51 – The guy who is then shocked to learn that Mark McGwire, Randy Johnson, and Barry Zito, all suited up for the Trojans
50 – The guy who thinks O.J. jokes are still funny 15 years after his famous trial
49 – The guy who will constantly make White Bronco references and be the only the only one to laugh
48 – The guy who still reminisces about 1998
47 – The guy who is terribly afraid of hurricanes
46 – The guy who tries to start the wave at a basketball game
45 – The guy who eats four hot dogs at the football game and then asks where a good place to eat in Pasadena is
44 – The guy who hopes 5 Pac-10 teams crash the BCS so the Bruins could possibly go to the Rose Bowl
43 – The guy who is excited that 4’9″ cutie Shawn Johnson may attend UCLA
42 – The same guy who also appeared on NBC’s To Catch a Predator earlier that week
41 – The guy who wears a UCLA Final Four t-shirt even though he tells you national championships are the only thing that matters in Westwood 40 – The guy who can pronounce Dan Gadzuric’s name perfectly
39 – The guy who owns more hair gel then Steve Lavin
38 – The guy who will tell you that the football program hasn’t been successful because coach X hasn’t been able to “bring in his type of players.”
37 – The guy who has seen more USC victories in the Rose Bowl than UCLA victories in Pasadena
36 – The guy who checks Rivals.com everyday and gets excited when the Bruins get a commitment from a four-star prospect
35 – The guy who thinks a big football tailgate consists of 10 people
34 – The guy who thinks that December college basketball matters
33 – The guy who keeps his ticket stub
32 – The guy who tells you about NCAA/USC conspiracy theories throughout the game
31 – The guy who missed several basketball games as a student, because the school was welcoming “an interesting speaker”
30 – The guy who complains about the officiating in a game when Kevin Craft throws five interceptions
29 – The guy actually bought a “Dump Dorrell” t-shirt and now wonders what to do with it
28 – The guy who drives to Westwood for the football and then realizes there is no on-campus stadium
27 – The guy who thinks the 2006 football season ended after the Bruins’ upset over USC (note: so did the actual team)
26 – The guy who predicted the 2007 football team to go undefeated, because they had so many returning starters
25 – The guy who thinks he is Jason Kapono in pickup basketball games; yet his shooting range doesn’t extend much further than three feet. However, this doesn’t stop him from “chucking it”
24 – The guy who wears a headband when watching games, because well, Kapono wore one
23 – The guy who apparently has inside information regarding the NCAA’s investigation of USC, because he knows all the wrongs they committed
22 – The guy who wears a 13-9 t-shirt three years after the Bruins’ upset victory
21 – The guy who believes Norm Chow was entirely responsible for USC’s success from 2002-2004
20 – The guy who will tell you that USC never won back-to-back national titles in football
19 – The guy who constantly wears a UCLA hat to show his loyalty; when in reality, he’s covering up his bald spot
18 – The guy who thinks it’s still cool to paint your face before a sporting event
17 – The guy who will check his iPhone for scores just to show you he has an iPhone
16 – The guy who tells you about his college experiences from the 70s like you actually care
15 – The guy who buys his wife a pink UCLA hat, even though the school’s colors are blue and gold
14 – The guy who refuses to take his kids to the bathroom, because the games is heated…in the middle of the first half
13 – The 50 year-old guy who tells you he participated in the famous undie run as a student and makes you vomit from the thought of it
12 – The guy who helped John Sciarra Jr. come up with a cool alias
11 – The guy who sits through a Bruins baseball game and asks why they don’t also use metal bats in the major leagues
10 – The guy who checks the college basketball out of town scoreboard religiously…in December
9 – The guy who refuses to use Trojan condoms because of the USC reference, and therefore, contracts syphilis and gonorrhea in one night
8 – The guy who will send you a 250 character text about how well the women’s gymnastics team is doing
7 – The guy who complains that the LA Times is biased towards USC
6 – The guy who actually reads the Daily Bruin
5 – The guy who says college athletes should be paid, yet complains about Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo
4 – The guy who sends twenty tweets during the game – like people can’t check the score on their own
3 – The guy that taps your shoulder after every great play
2 – The guy that impatiently waits for the UCLA marching band’s rendition of Sons of Westwood after a loss
1 – The guy who is absolutely disgusted with this list after reading it and unleashes hell upon Joey Kaufman in the comments section below
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Comment by Artie's Triple Chin on 12 August 2009:
Learn how to SPELL!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 12 August 2009:
Actually, I’m pretty everything is spelled correctly. We have spellchecker you know.
Comment by Not You Joey on 12 August 2009:
There’s no spell check for Ringling Brothers, genius.
Comment by Rich in Pasadena on 12 August 2009:
Well said, sir! XD
Hey Artie… GO ON A DIET!!!
Comment by Joe Ruggeiro on 12 August 2009:
For the “The 100 Types of USC Fans list, # 1 should definitely be ‘The jagoff who thinks he’s funny and comes up with an ‘The 100 Types of UCLA fans’ list that does not contain a single clever or funny item.
And I’m not a UCLA fan. Just somebody who thinks this might be the dumbest thing I’ve read on the web in months.
Comment by Wayne on 12 August 2009:
“Actually, I’m pretty everything is spelled correctly. We have spellchecker you know.”
Hmm, I’m not familiar with Cal Sate LA. Maybe your next article can be about them.
Pingback by There are 100 types of UCLA fans … - UCLA - OCRegister.com on 12 August 2009:
[...] tongue-in-cheek list is from So-Cal Sports Hub. Here are some of the lowlights (or highlights, depending on your [...]
Comment by Johnny 0. on 12 August 2009:
Here’s a couple more for the USC fans list:
* The guy who refuses to acknowledge that Reggie Bush’s parents getting a house is wrong.
* The guy who predicted that USC would shut down Vince Young.
* The guy who wears an OJ Simpson throwback jersey to games.
* The guy who made death threats to the girl who accused Mark Sanchez of rape.
* The guy who murders his wife and an innocent bystander, beats the case and then goes down for an armed robbery in Las Vegas.
* The faggot who follows Pete Carroll’s Twitter page religiously.
* The guy that uses the “N” word in everyday life.
* The guy who wears an OJ Mayo jersey even though the kid skipped town three months later for the NBA while leaving the program is shambles.
* The guy who claims he’s a USC football fan but that UConn/Duke/UNC/Gonzaga etc. is his college basketball team.
* The guy who predicted the Galen Center would mean Final Fours for USC
* The guy who guaranteed that Tim Floyd would be more successful than Ben Howland.
* The guy who doesn’t pay his child support but has a premium account at wearesc.com
* The guy who keeps a straight face as he tells you that USC is an academic institution on par with Harvard
* The guy who works for his Dad yet considers himself “self made”
* The guy who jerks off Traveler
* The guy who wears a white sweater on the sidelines and calls himself a “Yell Leader” instead of just “queer”
See? It’s easy.
Comment by OTSTM on 12 August 2009:
I think you have that Raiders one wrong, those are SC fans that root for the Raiders not Bruin fans.
Comment by Dion on 12 August 2009:
Jonny O. that was absolutely magnificent.
Comment by pkcourt on 13 August 2009:
Wow this totally describes Bruins Nation, Yes this means you Nestor, Tydides,and the girls
Comment by Jared on 13 August 2009:
Have fun finishing in the middle of the PAC 10
FUCLA
Comment by Elena on 13 August 2009:
Wow Johnny O. Maybe you should spend Less time focusing on writing rambling and incessant posts and more time in helping your football team actually win a game once in a while.
Comment by Elena on 13 August 2009:
And money = success in the real world. So don’t be jealous that you won’t ever have either.
Comment by LO on 13 August 2009:
Stick to stuff you know, Elena, like anorexia and getting date raped.
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 13 August 2009:
Take it easy LO. No personal attacks please.
Comment by Elena on 13 August 2009:
So now I’m an anorexic rape victim. Interesting. It’s amazing how much you can deduce about someone with no personal information.
Comment by pkcourt on 13 August 2009:
Wow LO what up with that not the thing to say to anyone. This is all in fun I am sure USC like all schools has some dip shize fans too. Heck I was at the dodger’s game on Saturday and if I was in my assigned seat I would have had a shoe hit me in the head. Darn what a fool I was I could have sued the heck out of the parking lot attendant, but know I listened to my friend and moved to see better two seats over. Basically there is bad fans every where today.
Comment by misterfabulous on 13 August 2009:
Elena said “It’s amazing how much you can deduce about someone with no personal information” … And yet Elena, with no personal information, stated that Johnny O. was poor and not successful in life.
Comment by Elena on 13 August 2009:
Yes, and I apologize for any offense that may have caused. I tend to get carried away when people insinuate that privileged people are bad people. Yet I still don’t think that is quite the same thing as calling me a person with am attention seeking disease who deserves to be raped.
Comment by Bruins102NCAA on 13 August 2009:
Hypocrites, liars, and just plain unfunny people. The Usual u$c* suspects.
I have to say that I am in amazement by how easy it is to clown these trOJay fools. Keep up the good work!
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 13 August 2009:
I love how I point out how the UCLA fans keep referencing OJ jokes 15 years after the fact and Bruins102NCAA just proves my point. priceless!
Comment by Elena on 13 August 2009:
You are an awesome dude mr. Kaufman and I thank you for making the world a better place.
Comment by Sean on 13 August 2009:
I just think it is funny how we all get excited about someone talking crap about OUR So Cal football teams. I am a huge Bruins fan but that doesn’t stop me for cheering for the Trojans when they play anyone except for the Bruins. Let’s not get started on the Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush going to the pro’s and getting shown up by Maurice Jones Drew! I guess some guys are just meant to be good College players and not pro’s! Let’s not forget Kurt Warner’s back up.
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 13 August 2009:
Sean,
You’re absolutely right on both accounts. When either USC or UCLA does well it actually benefits the other, especially in football. But with that said, we’re rivals and it’s incredibly fun to have a friendly banter/trash-talk back and forth.
As for the NFL, you’re right. Bush and Leinart, great college guys, have sucked in the pros. I think it’s too early to write them off, but it is time to question whether they’ll eve meet those incredibly high expectations.
Comment by stone on 13 August 2009:
yeah, bringing up OJ is “played out”, but bringing up Sam Gilbert is a fresh and original take. LOL!
Comment by BReezy on 13 August 2009:
Joey, I wasn’t going to respond with anything, but then I saw that you linked to a video from “To Catch a Predator.” Of course, the guy in the video had nothing to do with UCLA. But it reminded me of something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBevfzdlMRQ
Comment by Bob on 13 August 2009:
Elena-
“I tend to get carried away when people insinuate that privileged people are bad people.”
Like Whinny? (See above)
Shallow? “And money = success in the real world.”-Elena
Hypocritical? “Elena said “It’s amazing how much you can deduce about someone with no personal information” … And yet Elena, with no personal information, stated that Johnny O. was poor and not successful in life.” -misterfabulous
Stupid? (See above)
Boy, way to disprove that ‘privileged people are bad people’ brainiac!
You best find someone that will support you for the occasional romp in the sack, as it is clear you would bring nothing else worth paying for to the job market. But don’t let him get you pregnant, b/c (1) As stated above….you best not lose whatever looks you may have (2) Improve the gene pool.
Everybody wins!!
Comment by Mountain Logger on 13 August 2009:
In all reality, I fit #95. There’s only one kind of SC fan, a front-runner.
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 13 August 2009:
Again, Mountain Logger illustrates point 97.
Comment by Bruins102NCAA on 14 August 2009:
Let me tell you Joey, OJ will now and forever, be the end all beat all, trump card that we Bruins will not hesitate to whip-out on any TrOJay that gets too big for his or her britches.
If you don’t like that, then I suggest u$c* consider the character of their football players as opposed to only being concerned about winning. Too late!
BTW, that old tried and true TrOJan chestnut, Sam Gilbert, is at least 15 years older than OJ murdering those two people. It is as pathetic as the day it was first uttered as an attempt to disparage “The Greatest Coach of All Time.”
Who wins here? That’s rhetorical. But come on dude, let’s use our skill as writers of some renown and come up with some real comedy.
Comment by Danny C on 14 August 2009:
Hey how do you keep a Bruin off your front porch?
Give them a twenty for the pizza and shut the door.
Comment by pkcourt on 14 August 2009:
Well 102 you are such a great person as all bruins are, oh BTW how is Mr. Henley these days.
Comment by Elena on 14 August 2009:
Hey I already apologized because I realized that was too much and out of line. There is no need to write a long comment that makes no sense about something that has nothing to do with you. At least spell some things right (whinny? Did you mean whiny? I’m not a horse dipshit)
and you call me a hipocrite, yet you still say that I’m stupid and insult my intelligence without having ANY personal information.
And based on the structure and format of that comment, I’m guessing that english and writing were not and are not you’re strong suits.
Comment by Rich in Pasadena on 14 August 2009:
Hey, people! I’d like to share with all of you a profound realization. I graduated from SC in ’99. I’m currently an MBA student at UCLA. Guess what I’ve found:
TROJANS AND BRUINS ARE MORE ALIKE THAN DIFFERENT!!!
So, can’t we all just get along? I’m going for a beer… who wants one?
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 14 August 2009:
I’m down Rich. haha
Comment by Elena on 14 August 2009:
Count me in!
Comment by Joey Kaufman on 14 August 2009:
Well, I tried to take your advice and put my “writing skills” to craft a more serious piece. Here’s my take on the Tim Floyd era at USC.
http://socalsportshub.com/2009/08/14/reflecting-on-the-tim-floyd-era/
Comment by Bob on 14 August 2009:
Elena- You may want to check out your last post smarty…”At least spell some things right”…”hipocrite”
Hmmm, you may want to get a dictionary out to check the a)spelling and (b)definition of that word…While you are at it look up “irony” & “moron”.
Elena-”insult my intelligence without having ANY personal information.”
Ah, but I did have ‘personal information’ that is why I sourced (uh oh, big word, hope you still got the dictionary open!!) each of my ‘hypocrite’, ‘stupid’, ‘shallow’, & ‘whinny’ (or ‘whiny’ if you prefer…I myself think ‘whinny’ actually describes you and your posts best)comments.
That you have a hard time understanding my last post is of no surprise….so I will just try to explain the most important part, about the ‘gene pool’. You see there is something called ‘evolution’, usually credited to a man called Charles Darwin that hypothesizes that……you know what I best just dumb it down for you…DO NOT BREED.
Comment by Elena on 14 August 2009:
Wow. I’m so sorry that you have nothing better to do than insult random people you don’t know on the Internet. Rave on if you want, just know that I am no longer listening.
And by the way,
I’m fourteen with an IQ six standard deviations above the mean (for adults).
Before you try to “dumb down” evolution and Darwinism, figure out who you’re talking to next time.
Comment by pkcourt on 14 August 2009:
bob whats wrung with my sgelling it’s from a ucla ejectulation
Comment by pkcourt on 15 August 2009:
102 is that how many fb games you guys have won over the last 25 years
Comment by pkcourt on 19 September 2009:
so you are saying what, you are using HAMLET I think
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